The Things We Never Talk About

Sometimes life sends us curve balls and we think we are alone, that no one could possibly know *exactly* how we feel.  While that might be true, I am starting to think more and more that people HAVE been through what we are experiencing and to a large extent DO know how we are feeling.  I think the problem is that we just don't talk about some of these things with each other.

A while back I took a wild leap and wrote a post on my struggles with breastfeeding.  It is a hard, hard subject for me to talk about because no matter how hard I've tried and how many tears I've shed begging and praying for it to work for me, I've failed.  It's hard for me to talk about, yet I did it.  And you know what?  I've had a lot of people come to me and say how much that post helped them.  They too were struggling and thought they were the only ones who ever had problems breastfeeding...because no one ever talks about it.

I'm taking another jump over the edge of an emotional cliff and throwing my inner most thoughts out there on the chance that this post will help someone who is struggling.  This time the subject is miscarriage.  Disclaimer...do not read further if you don't want to know details.

Dustin and I found out we were expecting our fourth baby in February.  We were ecstatic.  Everything was going well with no signs of trouble when we went in for an ultrasound at almost 11 weeks. As soon as the ultrasound began and the tech said she would take her measurements and get the doctor "to discuss our options" I knew it was bad news.  There aren't a lot of options to discuss for a healthy 11 week old baby.  There was no viable baby.  We were to come back in 10 days for another ultrasound on the chance that our dates were completely wrong and the baby was much younger than we really thought.  In the meantime, I was told to prepare for a miscarriage to happen at any moment.

We were in shock.  There was no indication of anything going wrong and we were definitely not prepared to hear that news.  A lot of tears were shed and a lot of prayers said.  Part of us didn't want to give up hope just in case there was a miracle waiting to happen.  The other part of our logical minds said there was no hope.  It was the longest week and a half of my life thus far.

My emotions were all over the place, of course.  Sadness over the loss, hope for the future, love for the children I do have, anger because I didn't know what else to feel.  I am ashamed to say anger was probably the most common companion for those few weeks.  It seemed like a safe place to hide.  I hardly slept those nights of waiting.  My heart yearned for answers, yet the answer was to wait in patience.  Family was my saving grace.  They knew when I needed to have company and when I needed time alone.  I didn't know what to feel or think.  I didn't know how to cope.  It wasn't something I had ever considered happening during that pregnancy and I wasn't prepared to deal with it.  In my mind a miscarriage was an event that happened and was done...it wasn't this long waiting process.  How do you process the fact that your body still thinks it is pregnant, yet the pregnancy you are carrying is not going to make it?  I couldn't seem to wrap my head around that thought.

I received a couple of priesthood blessings that helped to clear my mind and calm my heart.  As the days went past and the shock wore off a little bit I felt at peace with what was happening.  Whatever happened at the ultrasound would be okay.  It would be hard if the news was bad, but it would be okay.  Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and I knew we would be okay.

We went back for the follow up ultrasound and the news was unchanged.  The miscarriage began to happen at 12 weeks and it would take over two weeks before it was complete.  Those weeks I was left with a constant reminder of what was happening.  My heart was heavy with self doubts and sadness.  I knew this was something that would heal over time, yet in the moment my heart hurt.  My heart hurt really badly.  I felt completely lost.  One day I was over the moon in anticipation for a baby that would be coming, the next I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.  

One day early on in the process I ended up telling our primary president what was going on because there was a chance I wouldn't be able to do sharing time that Sunday and didn't want to leave her in a hard spot at the last minute.  Really, I think Heavenly Father just knew that I needed to talk to her and made my mouth say the words because I'm not usually one to tell a lot of people the private details of our lives.  When I told her what was happening she said the exact same thing had happened to her at 12 weeks and she shared her story with me.  I was so relieved to hear her story and know that I wasn't alone and that the long, drawn out process we had been going through could be "normal".  It was so nice to get the weight off my chest and to shed tears with someone who knew just how I felt and what I was going through.  Hence the reason for this post.  I would never wish this experience on anyone.  Ever.  Though if life sends this trial someone else's way I hope they will remember our story and know they are not alone.  

Of course we know that our Savior knows everything we are going through.  He suffered through the atonement for each of us.  He is always there, even if no one else *really* knows how we are feeling, He does.  He can be our hope when all other hope is gone. The atonement has become even more real to me these past few weeks and for that I am grateful.

It's been a few days now since the physical marks of this experience have ended, but I think there will always be emotional memories associated with this little trial. The light at the end of the tunnel has become brighter and I feel so much better now.  I feel like I can smile and enjoy life again after a long month. It's a little easier to let the little things go and to focus on what's really important to me after this experience.  My family and my relationship with my Savior are the most important and nothing else seems to matter quite so much.  Now the test will be to move forward and to remember the lessons learned!