This post has been on my mind for quite some time. For some it will be way too much information, so feel free to skip on reading now. I am hoping though that it will be of some comfort to someone, somewhere. It is now 1:50 a.m. and as I was up feeding my babe my mind was once again on the subject that has brought me so many struggles-breastfeeding-so here I am.
I am not here to tell you the million and one reasons you should breastfeed. We are all aware of those. I am not here to tell you that bottle feeding is the way to go because I am afraid I would be lying if I tried to tell you how wonderful it is. I am just here to tell you our story (and I say "our" because Dustin and our babes have been through just as much as me with this journey).
When I was pregnant with Mikayla we decided after she was born she would be breastfed. It was the logical choice. Not only was it obviously the best choice for her health, but financially it would be the most logical answer as well. Fast forward to when she was born and our journey as parents began. We breastfed. I was so excited to be a mom. I wanted to be the best mom possible and I was well on my well because we were breastfeeding as all the perfect moms should!
Mikayla started losing weight the day she was born and didn't gain much for quite some time. To put it in perspective, at 6 months Mikayla was 12 pounds 6 ounces (to compare to our others kids-at 6 months Maylee was 20 pounds 3 ounces and at 4 months Daxton is 17 pounds 8 ounces). Our pediatrician was aware there was some sort of problem so he recommended Fenugreek, an herb that is known to increase production. I took it and we dealt with the maple syrup smell that comes along with its use. After that didn't help we tried pumping. I would feed Mikayla, then pump, I would pump in between feeds and I would pump if Mikayla slept a long stretch in the night-all in hopes of increasing production. I remember being so excited to see 1 ounces of breast milk in those bottles and that was a rare occasion. I literally cried over spilled milk should I lose even a couple of drops. I worked so hard for that little bit of "liquid gold" and I was devastated over any bit that didn't get to my baby.
After those efforts were in vain and we still couldn't get Mikayla to gain the weight she needed our pediatrician recommended trying formula. I was devastated. Wasn't every woman supposed to be able to be able to feed her baby? After more tears than I would like to admit, prayers and a blessing we decided to try formula. I'm not sure why it was so hard for me to give her formula, but for me it was like admitting defeat. If I couldn't feed my own baby, I couldn't be that "perfect" mom I wanted to be. Even worse, when we gave her the formula she spewed it everywhere. She hated it. We were frustrated and had no idea what to do for her.
We decided at some point to switch pediatricians to see if we could find some more answers. After we met with the new pediatrician we were encouraged that he was going to help us get to the bottom of things (after informing us that a 12 pound 6 month old was definitely not good). After we left his office I looked at the receipt where the pediatricians mark the code for what services were rendered in order to charge the correct amount. Mikayla's visit not only earned her an "initial office visit" mark, but also a "failure to thrive" mark. I was devastated. Talk about about feeling like a total failure as a mom. Our baby wasn't doing well and we had no idea what to do about it.
Since we had already tried supplementing with no success in her gaining weight he first ordered a test for cystic fibrosis, then we were to go from there. The test was simple, but boy were we ever nervous. After waiting days for the results we finally got word it was negative. The next step was to try a very pricey formula in hopes that it would deter other tests for diseases that would cause her not to gain weight. Nutramigen it was. We shouted hallelujahs when she tolerated it. Two weeks after being on it she had gained 2 pounds and we were so excited. Excited until the pediatrician asked us if we had been using more powder than we should in order to help her gain weight. Really? Seriously? I was so upset. After all the heartache we had been through to try and do the absolute best thing for our baby he was accusing us of that?
Mikayla thrived off that pricey formula. I continued to breastfeed first, then supplement with a bottle after each feeding. After a while she weaned herself from breastfeeding and over time we were able to switch her to soy. When she turned a year old we started her on whole milk, as instructed. At 15 months we were told perhaps she was gaining too much weight and skim milk would be a better option for her. I was blown away. Didn't they remember how hard we worked to "fatten" her up? And now we were told it was too much?
Fast forward to Maylee. She was 9 pounds 15 ounces at birth and a hungry girl. After our experience with Mikayla we were aware that my body had trouble producing milk and we were prepared for the possibility that all might not go as planned. She got her first bottle the evening we brought her home. I had nursed her for hours straight and she was still crying, wanting to eat. We gave her an ounce of milk and she slept. I continued to nurse her at every feed and after the feeds when she had nursed well and was still hungry, she would get an extra ounce. We were happy with this arrangement and she was content.
When we took her to the pediatrician she was gaining weight well, but the pediatrician wasn't pleased we were giving her formula. She informed us of all her success stories of breastfeeding while I stared at pictures all over the walls of moms breastfeeding and the counters covered with breastfeeding books. I'm sorry, we had been down that road before and had been heartbroken after every effort failed and we weren't ready to do that again. The extra ounce here and there seemed to be doing the trick, but at her two week appointment Maylee started to not gain as much as she should. We saw the writing on the wall and upped the amount of formula she got after breastfeeding. Like magic, she gained the weight she needed. Not exactly success the way I had hoped, but it was working and we stuck with it.
Thinking my body would kick in and know just what to do with Daxton, I was so excited to try breastfeeding once again. His first night he nursed constantly and cried constantly when he wasn't nursing. By the middle of the night I was spent having nursed for hours and hours straight. Nothing else would calm him down for even a minute. When I finally woke Dustin up I was bawling out of frustration. He once again gave me a blessing and then we decided together that we should give him a bottle. It seems like such a little thing to write that, but for me, it was admitting total defeat and feeling like I was a failure. My baby was only a day old and I was giving up.
The craziest thing happened when Dustin went to get that bottle. That nurse didn't chew him out for giving our baby formula! It was the first time that someone in the medical profession hadn't belittled us for our choice. I cried and cried when Dustin came back and I asked him what the nurse said when he requested a bottle because reported she was kind. She was understanding. She was just what we needed.
For some reason, breastfeeding is such an emotional thing for me. I am not a crier and I don't tend to be emotional, especially for others to see. I think I have shed more tears over breastfeeding than in all the rest of my life combined. I've shed tears over the hopes of being successful. Tears over the devastation of realizing each time my babies lose weight it's because I can't give them what they need, over each comment from someone who insists I'm just not trying hard enough or that there's no way breastfeeding can't work for someone. I've shed tears because of the gratitude that we have formula and I have a way to keep my babies healthy and strong, despite my body's shortcomings.
I've wanted so badly to be successful. I feel like I can say that we have honestly tried everything we can to be successful. Breastfeeding just hasn't worked for us. It's been funny as we've struggled how many women have come to me after they see me bottle feeding my babies to tell me their stories of how difficult breastfeeding was for them or how they just weren't able to do it for various reasons. I smile and thank them for their kind words and wonder "Where were you when I was struggling and thinking I was the only one who ever had a problem with breastfeeding?!?"
I guess my reason for writing all of this is in hopes that someone who goes through this crazy emotional roller coaster called breastfeeding, only to find that their ride ends up broken and cut short, is to let you know that you are not alone.
5 comments:
Thank you, Meagan!! So well put. That story is all too familiar to me! I thought the third time would be it, and it was for a while, longer than the first two, but there still came the day when I had to supplement (and oh the tears for me, too). I feel bad that we haven't kept in touch more...we are kindred spirits, I think, and we've endured some similar trials. I love you! You are a great mom and give your kids your best. And, that is good enough!!!
Meagan, You are an absolutely awesome mom and I couldn't be more proud of you and Dustin and your family. You've done great and you have bright, happy, healthy, normal kids. Parenting is not a job for the faint--hearted and you're doing great. Don't forget that in the quiet alone hours with your baby. It's a process and you never see the end from the beginning
You aren't alone. I know so many women who gave gone through similar struggles. Even medical professionals need to stop being breast-ist and judge mental. Matthias's cousin went through a LOT of lectures for choosing not to breastfeed from the start, when due to cancer she didn't even have breasts. You're an amazing mother, and we all have struggles. Know that you are the one who knows your body best, and you have the best instincts when it comes to your babies.
Oh I totally get you! I wish breastfeeding wasn't such a negative, mean, frustrating topic to discuss- people can be so rude! I had every intention to breastfeed Ty but after a week in the NICU he never would latch on and he was formula fed from about 2 weeks on. Talk about total frustration, long nights and tears. I gave him a bottle and he chugged it right down and I never looked back. My pediatrician said "both bottlefed and breastfed kids go to college. " I've always remembered that and liked it. With Levi I was determined to nurse because I wanted the experience. I was able to do it for 7 months while working full time and pumping at work- not the ideal situation and of course, people judged me for being a working mom but you have to do what you gotta do at certain times. I think judging others whether it's about breastfeeding or working, we can use the experiences we have that hurt us to remember not to easily judge others for other things. :) With Shad I breastfed just because it's so much cheaper. But by 2 months I was struggling because I had gained so much weight and decided to stop after my milk supply went down after getting sick. I can't loose the weight while I'm breastfeeding and call it selfish, but I'm just not a good, happy mom if I feel bad about my weight, can't fit into clothes and always worried about milk supply and exercising. I think there are many hard times that come with breastfeeding in different ways and the important part is to just support each other as moms in any and every way we can! You are an amazing mom and you and Dustin are such good examples to me and TJ. My mom is always mentioning things about you guys and I love your blog so much because it's so similar to us. :) You are awesome and try not to be too discouraged about breastfeeding since we've all been there, done that in similar and different ways!!!
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